Intervention

I felt violated.

As if he was able to read my innermost thoughts. The ones I didn’t tell anybody about. Private thoughts that I didn’t disclose to anybody not even those closest to me. My secret was out in the open for everybody to see. To be exposed in such a public way. How did he know? Did he read my mind? How did somebody who has never met me read my mind?

These were my thoughts as I sat down to watch yet another movie at the Vancouver International film festival. I had just settled down in my seat in anticipation of yet another Palestinian movie. I had seen several Palestinian movies in the past, some sad, some light hearted, some good and some really lousy. But I have never in my whole life seen a movie of any nationality that gave me goose bumps, this one had me galvanized from the first few seconds till the very last.

يد إلاهيه – فلم لإليا سليمان


Divine Intervention, a movie by Elia Suleiman. In the opening scene a man drives though the narrow streets of modern day Nazareth city. As he drives slowly he encounters pedestrians that he is familiar with. He waves and smiles as if to say “Hello there old friend”, but in the privacy of his car’s bubble he curses at each on “You stupid mother fucker” he says under his breath while waving and smiling in a friendly way. “Fuck all your sisters you son of a bitch” when he encounters the next person, “may you burn in hell you sad prick” on and on he goes, each time a wave and a friendly smile. The people sitting behind me in the cinema were laughing at this, but I was horrified.




I remembered a particular day I had while living in Jerusalem. It started with me taking my daughter to kindergarten, where I encountered her teacher.

“Good morning you stupid useless, good for nothing bitch”-- my private thought. Instead, I force a smile and say:
“Good morning, how are you today?”

On my way to work I stop at the gas station to fill up the car with gas. Out comes the gas station attendant that always gives me creepy looks, like he has never seen a woman before.
“Hey you perv why don’t you go and fuck your self you stupid idiot. Only a desperate woman would even look at you, you prick” – private thought.
Instead, I half smile
“Fill the tank please, and thank you”

Then I go to work and meet one of my coworkers
“Here comes the stupid fuck who is going to make me miserable all day with his useless whining. Oh how I wish I could kick you.”- a private thought.
Instead, I force a smile
“Good morning buddy, nice day isn’t it?”.

Later on I have a meeting with my boss. I walk into his office.
“You pathetic loser, only an idiot would make you a boss of anything. You wouldn’t know how to run a shoe store.” – private thought.
Instead, I smile.
“Hello dear, here is the updated project plan document. As you can see we are making good progress.”

In the afternoon, I drive home for work, I am driving in the usual Jerusalem city traffic jam.
“All these stupid drivers honking like idiots, like that is going to make a difference. I am gonna buy a tank and drive on top of all of you.”
Instead, I exhale and attempt to be patient while the car nudges gradually.

I stop at the corner grocery store to buy bread and milk and encounter the store owner.
“You pathetic loser, wasting your life in a grocery store. If I was you I would be miserable too.” – private thought.
Instead I node my head
“Just the milk and bread for me, thank you.”

At the end of that particular day, I was lying in bed taking stock. I had spent my whole day in a heightened state of mental anguish and agitation. I had negative thoughts about almost every single person I encountered and it was exhausting. I felt completely drained. I wasn’t always like this. What happened to the positive and cheerful woman that I was? What happened to young woman that believed that most people were essentially good? What happened to the person that was eager to meet new people and have new experiences? I was only 29 years old yet I was turning into a grumpy cynical old woman. What remained was the shell, on the outside I was still the polite, smiley and pleasant person. I still said my please and thank you. Luckily nobody could see the manure stream running on the inside.

At least I thought that nobody could see my private thoughts until I saw that movie. I was terrified. Things only get worse after the opening scene. The main character is a Palestinian living in Israel dealing with the daily frustrations of life. He is passing a tank while driving in his car and throws a peach pit at it from the window and it explodes destroying everything around it. He is fantasizing about extraordinary events that help him deal with his frustration. One fierce look destroys a check point tower, a flying ninja woman character attacks a whole army …etc. The fantasies keep getting more absurd as the movie progresses. I remembered my own crazy fantasies while living in Israel, they frequently involved the army base located behind the Hebrew University campus. A toy remote control airplane lands right in the middle of it and blows it to pieces, a flood wells from underneath and washes the whole military base away, the mountain edge breaks away in a massive land slide and the military base ends up in the valley …etc.

Before I moved to Israel, I read the famous Israeli novel “My Michael
” by the known novelist Amos Oz. It is about the life of an Israeli women in Jerusalem around 1948. The novel ends with her fantasizing that the whole city is engulfed in a huge explosion, she watches the city destroyed by fire. I didn’t understand the novel when I read it. Why would somebody fantasize about the destruction of the city she grew up in, the city she called home. When I finished reading the story I thought to myself
“she must be crazy”
“the writer must be crazy”
Now I was joining the craziness and I didn’t even grow up there. In previous posts I told you about how much I disliked living in Israel, what I haven’t told you is that what I disliked the most was the person I was becoming in it. I was terrified. Mostly because my own image of myself was challenged. I assumed that I was a good, loving, caring and rational. I always admired people like Gandhi, Martin Luther King and others. What I realized while living in Israel is how special these people are and the fact that I wasn’t one of them. I certainly didn’t have their strength. I don’t give people advice about how they should follow the example of Gandhi any more; only because I know I myself failed despite best intentions. And if a pampered privileged educated middle class never touched a gun idealistic woman like myself started to have violent thoughts after only 4 years of living in a war zone, was it any wonder that those growing up in refugee camps were having more than just thoughts?

Luckily I had the choice to leave and go back to Canada before more insanity set in and leave I did.
In Arabic we have a saying “May god have mercy on a person who realizes his own worth” – رحم الله إمرأ عرف قدر نفسه
May god have mercy on me indeed.

Divine Intervention is the only movie that I saw were I wished I myself had made movie. I know nothing about movie making and never dreamed of making one. But if I was ever to make a movie it would be Divine Intervention and since it has been made already I guess I am not gonna bother now. I felt the movie was my movie in a weird kind of way. It is also the only movie were I wished to shake the hands of the director. If I could meet Elia Suleiman in person I would tell him: “you are a brave brave man and I admire you for letting us into your inner world. I am relieved to discover that I have a companion in dark dark world I dewelled in for a while.”

As for Amos Oz, my favorite book of his is "Perfect Peace", which I find more hopeful. I still find "My Michael" too depressing even though I understand what it is about at last.